


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to get Clara's Coffee

by TheDoctorin221b



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Confusing, Crack, F/F, F/M, M/M, Post-Episode: s08e01 Deep Breath, misinterpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoctorin221b/pseuds/TheDoctorin221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving Clara in Glasgow to go get coffee the Doctor happens upon: half lizard half human triplets, a captain turned midwife, a misinterpreted note, a cockblocking TARDIS, some great coffee, the woman in the shop, Spoilers and a lot of confusion before finally arriving back with the coffee</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to get Clara's Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Right so I was just looking through the many fics on my laptop and I chanced upon this utterly confusion Crackfic which seems to make as much sense to me and you as the solar system to Sherlock Holmes. but I thought I'd post it anyway. Enjoy.

“I’m supposed to be getting coffee for Clara but the queue was humongous.” The familiar Scottish voice complained flopping into a chair opposite Madame Vastra who put down her newspaper smirking.

“Really because we haven’t seen you in almost a year and we’ve got visitors.” The lizard lady informed him.

“Oh really I love visitors, well not really, the interesting ones bore me and the boring ones send me to sleep.” The doctor babbled fiddling with his screwdriver.

“Well these visitors seem to know you and have both been a great help with…certain situations.” Vastra said fidgeting uncomfortably in her seat; the doctor was just about to speak when a young dark haired man walked in wearing a blood stained apron.

“Vastra, Jenny’s asking for you, oh you must be the Doctor, I’m Jones, Ianto Jones.” The man said uncertainly looking between the lizard and the time lord.

 “Thank you Ianto, come on Doctor.” Vastra said getting up and motioning for the Doctor to follow.

“Where are we going, will there be a children’s menu there?” The Doctor asked following.

“Something like that.” Vastra said with a small smile.

The moment the trio enter the room they were greeted with a lot of crying and the Doctor was suddenly very surprised to have a baby placed into his unexpecting arms.

“Hello baby, what do you mean I’m normally this colour, no not everyone is green.” The Doctor explained to the crying baby in his arms soothing it to sleep.

“Well look at that, you’ve gone from incredibly sexy to granddad in about a century.” A similar dark haired man in another blood stained apron.

“And you haven’t changed at all.” The time lord grumbled scowling.

“Doctor this is Jack, him and Ianto help deliver your godchildren.” Vastra explained smiling.

“What, I…I don’t understand, I went to get coffee not godchildren.” The Doctor said bemused.

“Doctor in your absence human boy was impregnated by lizard boy and after many futile attempts at contacting you we called some of your past associates two of which were able to help.” Strax explained checking a sleeping Jenny over.

“Doctor meet Lorna, Amelia and Rex.” Vastra said indicating to all the babies in turn.

All three babies looked human from a distance but a person looking closely would have noticed that Lorna and Rex both had a green tinge about them and when Amelia opened her mouth she produced a small lizard like tongue. They all had Jenny’s dark hair and Rex also had her toffee coloured eyes whereas Amelia and Lorna both had Vastra’s blueish-purple.

“You named them after dead people.” The doctor said angrily.

“We named them after good people…and dinosaurs.” Jenny said sitting up wincing.

“If you wanted a say in the names you should have been here, I’m a captain, not a midwife Grandpa next time answer your phone.” Jack said smirking.

“Well it’s a time machine Captain I’m sorry if telephone connections don’t always work in the time vortex.” The Doctor retorted.

“I know we found that out when a load of Daleks were attacking us and there were weird planets in the sky.” Ianto said.

“If you’re going to argue do it in the sitting room where you can’t give me a headache, I just gave birth to three half human children and if the lot of you don’t shut up I will show you just how angry I can get.” Jenny said angrily.

“Sorry Miss Jenny but I think I’d better go, I left Clara in Glasgow and she usually gets angry if I leave her for long periods of time.” The Doctor said turning to the door.

“Hey Doc, could you take us back to our time zone then?” Jack asked smiling.

“Fine, oh and I forgot to say congratulation Vastra and Jenny, I think you’ll make great parents.” The Doctor said smiling before he exited the room followed by Jack and Ianto.

“So Ianto do you and Jack have any kids?” The Doctor asked as they entered the TARDIS.

“Yes Doctor we have three kids, two of them are ours and one of them we adopted for his safety.” Ianto said smiling.

“Oh really what are they called, are they green as well or are they another colour, blue’s a good colour, purple to.” The Doctor rambled dancing round the TARDIS.

“Their called Alonso, Steven and Gray.” Ianto said.

“Wait Alonso?” The Doctor said confused.

“Yeah you gave us the name remember.” Jack said

“No I didn’t.” The Doctor said frowning.

“Yes you did, we were in an inter-galactic bar and Ianto when to the toilet and you turned up and gave me a note saying ‘His names Alonso.’ And after that Ianto came back and told me that a curly haired lady had left him a baby and told him to look after him.” Jack explained.

“Well that wasn’t exactly what I meant but it doesn’t matter now.” The Doctor said turning back to the console

“What do you mean Doctor?” Ianto asked.

“Well I thought Ianto was killed by the 4-5-6 so I gave you that note talking about the man sat next to you.” The Doctor said sheepishly.

“Oh so that’s why you pointed to the side, I thought you were pointing towards the gents.” Jack said chuckling.

It was a bright sunny day in Cardiff; Alonso Harkness-Jones was currently sat on a tatty picnic blanket gazing lovingly at best friend Anwen Williams as she nattered on about The Avenger and X-men.

“And I know that the X-men are all like trained from teenagers but the avengers have all the hot guys.” Anwen said grinning.

“Stevie would disagree, he has a crush on Hugh Jackman.” Alonso said laughing.

“You’re weird Ally.” Anwen said smiling.

“Yep but what else can you expect from a straight 15 year old boy that has to put up with two dads, a 13 year old openly gay younger brother and an 11 year old brother who has even more friends than me, also not forgetting a birth mother who turns up every five years or so and a birth father who doesn’t know I exist, both of which are not human.” Alonso said smiling somewhat sadly.

“You missed out the bit where my mum and both your dads fight aliens.” Anwen said smirking.

“Oh yeah there’s also that, the imminent fear of being abducted by aliens, but do you know what I would do if you got abducted?” Alonso asked.

“Be thankful of having one less person to make coffee for.” Anwen said smirking.

“No I’d search everywhere in time and space to find you and then I’d get you to make the coffee for once.” Alonso said smiling.

“Awh Ally that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Anwen said sarcastically.

Alonso then became aware of their close proximity he licked his lips nervously as he leaned towards his friend and was rudely interrupted by a loud whooshing sound as a blue box appeared in front of the two shocked teens.

“Sorry for interrupting you two, your dads told me to drop them off here, do you know where I can get coffee.” The old man asked Alonso stepping out of the box with his dads.

“I can make you some really nice coffee if you want.” Alonso said grinning at the man who his mum had told him about a lot.

“Really that would be great.” The Doctor said smiling in return.

The old man was still smiling when he returned to his box ten minutes later with two delicious cups of coffee.

“So tell me Alonso, where did you learn to make such nice coffee?” The Doctor asked standing outside his box.

“Well dad Ianto taught me the basics and Missy taught me the best techniques and gave me the stuff to make it with.” Alonso said smiling softly.

“Who’s Missy.” The Doctor asked sipping his coffee.

“The woman from the shop.” Alonso stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world

 “What?” The Doctor said seriously.

“Well Doctor as my parents may had told you I was adopted for my safety, when I was ten my dad’s told me and introduced me to my mum who was a really nice lady with curly hair who talked about you a lot…dad. My mum took me to lots of places and along with my friends Anwen, Lorna, Amelia and Rex we travelled through time and space and she taught me a lot so the answer to your question doctor is…Spoilers.

The doctor looked at the retreating boy, shaking his head.

“I see you met your son and changed your face.” A familiar voice said behind him.

“Wow your old.” She said laughing.

“That’s our son?” The Doctor asked confused.

“Yes Sweetie.” She said smiling.

“Who’s the woman in the shop?” The Doctor asked.

“You should listen to your son. Spoilers.” She said once more before winking as she disappeared in a whir of electricity.

The doctor smiled, rolled his eyes and got back into his TARDIS rubbing his confused head.

“Hey Doctor what took you so long?” Clara asked as he handed her the coffee.

“You don’t want to know, it’s very complicated even I don’t understand what just happened.” The Doctor said as Clara rolled her eyes at his melodrama.


End file.
